Today was one of my best friend Gabby's 17 birthday. Which on Monday of this week for some reason I remembered. But on the actual day... I forgot. Gab and I got to school at the exact same time today. I saw her...we said our hello's, she let me have the rest of her Starbucks coffee which we both love. We walked into school together...and I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything until we were sitting there and I was reminded. I felt like the most horrible friend in the world.
Later on throughout the day I had made her a card which I gave to her after second period. I sent her random silly birthday texts throughout the day...and got nothing in return. I was scared that she was really mad at me. Not very many people remembered which would suck.
After I got back from my run today, Molly had texted me telling me that Gabby was having a bad birthday and that we should go surprise her. Of course! We stopped at a CVS and bought a ton of cheap goofy things that didn't have really anything to do with anything but Gabby loved it, after we showed up at her house we talked and watched her open it and had good laughs. Later Ellie, Philip and Aaron showed up and it was like a small party. It was a good end to the day..a very productive day.
I got to run and clean my room up a bit but it still needs work. Today ended well and I am glad I get to share the special moments with my closest friends and put a smile on an important girls face.
New Morning by Alpha Rev. Tonight I worked. The first three people who made me feel comfortable at work were my manager Charley, the afternoon manager and kitchen cook Jon, and the delivery guy Andy. Jon Fortner...one of the nicest guys I have ever met. He is in his 30's...and has a sucky life, I hate to say. When I started working there he had long long long dark hair that he always had in a pony tail and wore a hat all the time. I have never seen him or Andy for that matter without a hat on. Jon and I have good talks a lot of the time. We are close. At the time I started working there he was with a girl Niki who worked at our carmel store. They have broken up and he is now dating one of the waitresses Shannon. He has also cut off his hair.
Jon and I both get pissed easily. But he is one person to back off of when he is upset at work. Tonight you could sort of tell something was bothering him. I stayed til close tonight so he wasn't doing anything and he came back to talk to me. We both said we were feeling sort of "blah" all day...sort of disconnected. He said he didn't want to have a pity party for Jon but I told him to go ahead.
Jon has two daughters. Jenaveve and Sophia. His ex wife basically kidnapped them and took them to Texas and he hasn't seen them in 3 and a half years. Jenaveve had called him this morning telling him she missed her daddy and that it was hot in Texas and wondering when the next time she would get to see him was. He then told me that he and Jenaveve had an instant bond the day she was born and that she was a total daddy's girl.
These are the types of things that make me thankful for my family. All I wanted to say to him was that a new morning was coming. Everything would be better tomorrow. These are the conversations that make Jon and I close because he doesn't have a problem sharing his deepest life stories with me. But with others he keeps it to himself.
Every person has a bad moment...or a story that people don't know. And if they tell...they only want to get it off their chests or talk about it...there will always be a new morning ahead and it will be better.
So the past few days have been really good. Great actually. I got my prom dress and a pretty headband that actually made everything fall into place. Today I am listening to country...Red High Heels by Kellie Pickler. I think it goes well with my mood because all I can think about is my dress. I am not wearing red heels but dressing up for prom is exciting to me.
I also got fantastic news that I am an editor for my high school news paper next year. It is what I have wanted and I am so excited about it I can't wait for next year. I am the only girl with 4 other boys!
But now I get to sleep and wake up for school...looking forward to things.
Today my title is not the title of a song. I am stuck. So as I listen to Mumford & Sons on my computer I am going to type.
I don't have any followers other then my best friend. And for some reason myself...but for anyone who happens to stumble some how upon this blog, then I understand what you may think. I am confusing. I have many feelings and they switch from good to bad everyday. That is how I am though. I am stuck.
Today I am more fearful then fearless. But I can not put my finger on why. I am getting my annual sinus infection...but that isn't it. I should be at school but instead I wanted to come home...partly I had to because my pump ran out of insulin. I feel like I am stuck because I am frustrated. Always frustrated at the world, someone, something. I have so many things I want to do but I never move forward with my dreams or wants. I am stuck and I feel as though I will be everyday until hopefully one day I will just realize...who I am meant to be...what I am meant to be doing. Typing out my feelings into this blog is probably confusing to whoever is reading this. But to me it helps....it helps get my confusion and frustration out. I can't say all of this out loud to someone...so I type it and read it in my head to myself.
Throughout the past few weeks I have grown tired and weak. I had a doctors appointment for my diabetes a few days ago. Basically I had to get my act together or I wasn't going to have a long life at all. The day after that my grandpa left to go back to Florida. Who knows when I am going to see him again.
So to get myself out of feeling stuck. I came home from school to be productive...starting with this. Moving on to cleaning my room. Was it the right choice to leave school though? I miss a lot as it is. But that is the thing about life. I fear that in choosing between two things...important or small. You are always going to have regret about what you didn't choose. So I feel like if I hadn't chose to come home. I would have been stuck at school feeling gross and sick and have a wandering mind.
Today I had too many thoughts in my head to be at school. But it's school...grades. Soon my stuck will become frustrated and regret. But I suppose it is just one of those days that you have to feel something like this. It will pass. I will have a more fearless day soon.
So on Saturday I came home from work early...I was supposed to arrive at home at 11 to find my prom date waiting to ask me to prom. But since I got home early and he thought I got off at 11 it got thrown off a little bit. But in the end it worked out and it was super cute. He set up little light up boxes on my porch. So cute. I am very thankful that Ben is taking me just because I am one girl that gets to go with who she really wanted to go with. Ben and I have been through a lot but we are still great friends and that makes me happy.
Things have been going a little bit better....short blog today. But I am going to sketch and listen to my record player :)
Drawing is one thing in the world that lets me escape. Lets me be whatever I want to be...do whatever I want to do. I am not fearful when I am drawing. It is probably the only time when I am 100% fearless of anything. It puts me at ease and places me in this place that I love to go. I love it.
Today was my first day back to school in a while. Personal reasons, and the ice days. It was a very...crazy Monday. I was spinning. The song spinning by my all time favorite band Jack's Mannequin came to mind. I got the corny idea to find a song for every blog post title. It makes sense to me because I am crazy about music.
I found out that my English teacher is pregnant. I think she will be a really good mom. I had her my sophomore year too but for honors English. She was more harsh than she is this year. Mrs. Martin has become one of my favorite teachers. When I came home from school I told my mom basically everything that happened today. Which is unusual because I don't normally talk about my day. I am usually cranky and tired after school. But today I felt a little better. Chatty and productive. I set my phone aside for hours because I didn't want to be on it constantly. And I finished a 750 piece puzzle and it relaxed me. After my spinning day, I found relaxation in something, usually that would be drawing for me. I haven't gotten a chance to do that lately though.
Everyone will have a day where they feel like they are spinning and they can't stop. But eventually you will find something to stop you. Do what you want for today. Be yourself. That is what I did.
Today was clear. I have been sleeping in until 2:30 or 3 pm recently. I don't know why, actually yes I do. It is clear to me that there is something in my life, making me tired and making me numb. It comes and goes and I do not exactly know why. Sometimes I lay there...with no sound around me paralyzed for hours...sometimes thinking sometimes not...a blank mind. I fear that. Today I asked myself why me, why today, why ever, what did I do? I never pictured some of the things that have happened to me to have ever happened to me. Today I feel slow. Tired. Foggy. Sad.
Today I woke up and showered and then laid down and watched The Princess Diaries. I traced my thoughts back to yesterday..I worked. I work at Some Guys Pizza and Pasta Grill. I have worked there since about The beginning of September. I was hostessing last night, and I got a text from an ex boyfriend and good friend, Ben. It said that he wanted to take me to prom and that he had it all planned he just wanted to make sure I said no to anyone else that asked me. This made my night, I have always pictured going to prom with him and since I am comfortable with him it works out. Until about 25 minutes later comes in another good friend of mine Joe. We used to talk all the time in middle school and sometimes in high school but no where near as much. Our friend groups have changed. But out of no where he shows me the pizza he ordered and in the pepperoni read PROM. I thought he was asking for my opinion because he was about to go ask someone else....no. He was asking me. And all the sudden I felt very small and like the biggest jerk in the world for having to say no. He walked out with the pizza. I spent the rest of the night feeling awful.
There are a lot of things in this world that make me feel like an awful person, or force me to pick flaws from myself. I get told all the time that I have very little flaws. But I can't see what other people see. Today I gave Jonny a ton of crap for nothing. I want what I can't have. I keep telling myself I can do it, I can be alone. But recently I have felt so alone I shut myself out from everything. I've tried hard to fix a mess I made...but didn't actually make. I have spent my time trying to be noticed by him...maybe others. But now I tell myself forget it it will never happen. I may not ever get my happy ending.
Even though these are all negative thoughts. That's how I feel today. Negative. No one can truly understand.
I also was fearful to go to the hospital to visit my grandpa with my mom today...and I am not proud. But I got sick of feeling anxious about everything. So instead I went with my friend Hayley to our friend Hank's to watch the Superbowl with some of our other friends.
I now end the night posting and making puppy chow and I am about to start another puzzle.
