Perfectly Lonely.

Today was clear. I have been sleeping in until 2:30 or 3 pm recently. I don't know why, actually yes I do. It is clear to me that there is something in my life, making me tired and making me numb. It comes and goes and I do not exactly know why. Sometimes I lay there...with no sound around me paralyzed for hours...sometimes thinking sometimes not...a blank mind. I fear that. Today I asked myself why me, why today, why ever, what did I do? I never pictured some of the things that have happened to me to have ever happened to me. Today I feel slow. Tired. Foggy. Sad.

Today I woke up and showered and then laid down and watched The Princess Diaries. I traced my thoughts back to yesterday..I worked. I work at Some Guys Pizza and Pasta Grill. I have worked there since about The beginning of September. I was hostessing last night, and I got a text from an ex boyfriend and good friend, Ben. It said that he wanted to take me to prom and that he had it all planned he just wanted to make sure I said no to anyone else that asked me. This made my night, I have always pictured going to prom with him and since I am comfortable with him it works out. Until about 25 minutes later comes in another good friend of mine Joe. We used to talk all the time in middle school and sometimes in high school but no where near as much. Our friend groups have changed. But out of no where he shows me the pizza he ordered and in the pepperoni read PROM. I thought he was asking for my opinion because he was about to go ask someone else....no. He was asking me. And all the sudden I felt very small and like the biggest jerk in the world for having to say no. He walked out with the pizza. I spent the rest of the night feeling awful.

There are a lot of things in this world that make me feel like an awful person, or force me to pick flaws from myself. I get told all the time that I have very little flaws. But I can't see what other people see. Today I gave Jonny a ton of crap for nothing. I want what I can't have. I keep telling myself I can do it, I can be alone. But recently I have felt so alone I shut myself out from everything. I've tried hard to fix a mess I made...but didn't actually make. I have spent my time trying to be noticed by him...maybe others. But now I tell myself forget it it will never happen. I may not ever get my happy ending.

Even though these are all negative thoughts. That's how I feel today. Negative. No one can truly understand.

I also was fearful to go to the hospital to visit my grandpa with my mom today...and I am not proud. But I got sick of feeling anxious about everything. So instead I went with my friend Hayley to our friend Hank's to watch the Superbowl with some of our other friends.

I now end the night posting and making puppy chow and I am about to start another puzzle.